Captain Bad Trousers

Brief Synopsis: A salesman for a security systems firm visits a maximum security prison ward to review their security locks. While inspecting the site, he realises the situation requires a serious look.

“As I was saying, just ignore the inmates. Always with the crazy talk … anything to get a reaction.”

As a sales rep at Elite Security Systems, touring customer facilities was standard practice, and normally Jimmy got a buzz out of a site visit, but this one was creeping him out. 

“Actually it’s good timing for a visit,” the officer continued. “We’ve had a few near misses recently. Definitely need an upgrade on the locks. You know … before something happens … .” 

The underground cell block stretched out ahead. Smooth concrete flooring glistened with damp. Brick walls ran away into the dim distance. Caged alcoves yawned either side, brooding menace from within.

“Both ends of the block must be manned at all times. I need to stay here. Please walk down to see Officer Munroe at his station. Mind you stay inside the marked walkway so you don’t rile up the prisoners.”

Jimmy peered into the gloom. He could just make out a uniformed figure sitting in a pool of light at the end of the tunnel.

He started forward, wincing inwardly as the clacking of his shoes demanded unwanted attention.

“I AM THE DEVIL AND YOU WILL FUCKING BURN!” 

Jimmy jolted back as arms shot out between the bars, grasping at him.

Forcing himself to continue, the next prisoner was covered in raw scratches. “Hey, sissy boy! Show me your pretty face.”

“Let me out or I will kill myself!” This one foaming at the mouth.

With each step the cacophony grew. Yelling. Banging on the bars. Screaming. Plastic chairs crashing against walls. The insanity of the situation made him hot and nauseous. 

“The Screws poison my food.” Through missing teeth, phlegm spattered on Jimmy’s shoes.

Further in, hysterical laughing: “AHAHAHA! He’s gonna pluck your eyes out!”

A naked man hugged the bars, empty sockets staring blindly. “He locked me in here. Save me!” He blubbered.

As Jimmy reached the end the noise subsided. Only ragged sobbing from the previous inmate lingered.

Then Jimmy noticed this final room was empty … and open. 

“Officer Munroe … ?”

The guard turned to face him. Pale skin, almost translucent, large bulbous eyes. He toyed with white and bloody objects held in his hand.

“Welcome. We’ve been expecting you. Please go right in and we’ll begin.”

The broken man from the cell behind whimpered: “Please believe me, I’m not a prisoner. I’m Munroe!”